The seven signs of men of a certain age

Seven signs of the male midlife crisis, otherwise known as MMC:

"I'm ready for my close-up"

This is the urge to show off. Some men satisfy it with zany shirts and mismatching collars, knotted scarves, Moroccan slippers or hats. Others join bands or choirs;

Man bling

MMC jewellery will often just be a necklace, but the sky's the limit;

Extreme cooking

Men who cook are obsessive. If the recipe calls for three shavings of nutmeg, a male of a certain age will get in the car and drive 20km to get the nutmeg. The MMC cook won't speak during preparation or execution. He sneaks off to buy specialist equipment that Heston Blumenthal would consider over the top. He cooks time-consuming things no one wants to eat, such asbattered courgette flowers;

"My space" creating

This is a last desperate attempt to carve out a place for himself. The man in crisis wants a place to store his wine, somewhere to hang the watercolour he went rogue and bought, and a place to hang the photograph of him at Everest base camp.

Secret thoughts

Some things men in crisis think about but do not tell you: Liposuction. Opening a new bank account. Buying a boat. Inquiring about that hair-loss stuff. Making some massive man purchase;

The musical legacy

MMC means reverting to analogue so he can get his albums out and put them somewhere obvious, ensuring Chris de Burgh is not the one on top. That one might be The Velvet Underground & Nico.